"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. "Women marry men with the hope they will change. "Invaribly they are both disappointed."

-Albert Einstein

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

-Ellen DeGeneres

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

-Steven Wright

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

-Steven Wright

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

-Jackie Mason

Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself.

-Mark Twai

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.

- Warren Farrel

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

-Franklin P. Jones

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

-Homer Simpson

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

- Albert Einstein

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

- Albert Einstein

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."

- Robert Frost

"A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age."

- Robert Frost

The difference between genius and stupidity is ; genius has its limits !!